I'm okay now, I think. I wasn't for a long time, and there was a long stretch of not thinking I'd ever be okay. To stay in metaphor, there was a long time where I would have preferred either to be transformed mentally and physically into a swan where not being able to think or remember would be a mercy, or a time travel solution to make things un-happen, even though it would require going so far back that the equivalent future-me woud likely be so different as to be unrecogniseable to me.
I have a few memories from before the bad stuff, but they're not enough to give a sense of who I was as a person. My favourite colour was red. I enjoyed opening bottles and pouring them out to see what was inside them. I liked lining things up by size. I enjoyed repeating things I had heard. I had distant memories of being breastfed and was still searching for a way to make the milk come back. I don't remember being breastfed itself, I just remember a later time when I was thinking about how much I missed it. (This is a perfect example of something I resented at the time and would not have consented to, but I am now thankful that it occurred.) It's not a lot to go on, and even if I expand it to secondhand accounts of what I looked like from the outside, it's still not enough to say who I would have grown up to be.
As I get older, I feel that asking what-if questions about past me is falacious. If everything had been different then everything would be different. And there are things about my life that are neutral or good that are loosely causally related to the bad, or at least they seem that way to me.
For example, at one point in time I needed to learn a foreign language so that I could talk to mysef about things that were too painful to talk about in my native language. Learning that language led me to friendships with other speakers of that language. I don't know if I woud have learned that language without that impetus. The reasons for why that language in particular were neutral. Maybe I would have learned it anyway, but it is likely that the driving need wouldn't have been there. But now that I'm in a better place than I was, I wouldn't want to undo that bad that happened to me, not if it meant giving up that language. The good and bad things are all tangled up like that. I don't know what strands could be pulled from this tapestry without unravelling the whole thing.
I think it's evil to do bad things to a person on the off chance that they will find some good use for it later. Nonetheless, I'm wary of retroactively messing with my timeline because I did come out okay years later. But not everybody does come out okay...maybe some of the swans would, even a decade down the road, prefer to have remained swan-minded swans because they don't come out okay. But some of them I think can find life to be worth living again. Not right away; it's going to be a hard road. But I think some of them can make it through.
My current life is not without its problems, food security being the main one at the moment. Things will be tight for a while yet, but if we make it through, there's hope for a better future. The present is already far better a future than I ever imagined for myself.
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I have a few memories from before the bad stuff, but they're not enough to give a sense of who I was as a person. My favourite colour was red. I enjoyed opening bottles and pouring them out to see what was inside them. I liked lining things up by size. I enjoyed repeating things I had heard. I had distant memories of being breastfed and was still searching for a way to make the milk come back. I don't remember being breastfed itself, I just remember a later time when I was thinking about how much I missed it. (This is a perfect example of something I resented at the time and would not have consented to, but I am now thankful that it occurred.) It's not a lot to go on, and even if I expand it to secondhand accounts of what I looked like from the outside, it's still not enough to say who I would have grown up to be.
As I get older, I feel that asking what-if questions about past me is falacious. If everything had been different then everything would be different. And there are things about my life that are neutral or good that are loosely causally related to the bad, or at least they seem that way to me.
For example, at one point in time I needed to learn a foreign language so that I could talk to mysef about things that were too painful to talk about in my native language. Learning that language led me to friendships with other speakers of that language. I don't know if I woud have learned that language without that impetus. The reasons for why that language in particular were neutral. Maybe I would have learned it anyway, but it is likely that the driving need wouldn't have been there. But now that I'm in a better place than I was, I wouldn't want to undo that bad that happened to me, not if it meant giving up that language. The good and bad things are all tangled up like that. I don't know what strands could be pulled from this tapestry without unravelling the whole thing.
I think it's evil to do bad things to a person on the off chance that they will find some good use for it later. Nonetheless, I'm wary of retroactively messing with my timeline because I did come out okay years later. But not everybody does come out okay...maybe some of the swans would, even a decade down the road, prefer to have remained swan-minded swans because they don't come out okay. But some of them I think can find life to be worth living again. Not right away; it's going to be a hard road. But I think some of them can make it through.
My current life is not without its problems, food security being the main one at the moment. Things will be tight for a while yet, but if we make it through, there's hope for a better future. The present is already far better a future than I ever imagined for myself.